self-esteem?... hmmm.. boost the self-confidence babe!!

mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?...
why do people need self-esteem?.. is self-esteem that important? how important could it be? will it affect the way we behave?

being here in this materialistic world is tough. we are in the sea full of competitors. that's why having a high self-esteem does help us to survive is this god forsaken world.

my self-esteem used to real LOW... you can say that i was a perfetionist in every single way. and it is never easy for me because not a single thing for me gives me satisfactory. NONE!!!! and this is all because i don have my self-esteem.

when i was in form 4, i have lots of friends... friends who are smart, not so smart, pretty, ok looking, rude, shy, show off, and etc. but i was much more closer with the smart ones. it is not because i was close to them of them being smart or clever. but is the connection. we just seem to have really good connection when we talk and share lots of thing together.

trouble starts when examinations are just around the corner. my friends and i studied hard for the exams. things seem to be ok at first eventhough i felt the pressure that my parents gave me. soon the results were out, i realize that my results weren't as good as my friends. they got straight a1 and as for me, a couple of a and b. i kept wondering, how did i get this kind of result when we studied the hard together and discussed the same topic together. i didn't understand.

that is when i started comparing myself with them. physically and mentally. they are tall, slim, smart, clever, pretty, and etc. but what about me?.. why am i not like them? why can't i just be like them. is that so hard to ask from god?. i mean god could just do anything with a blink of an eye isn't it?

soon trial exmination came. i studied so hard and even burning midnight oil just to ensure that i can do as great as them. i do my very best during the exams. i make sure i read the questions properly, answer with a complete sentence, double check my work when i had extra time, make sure that i answered every singel question and prayed to god. i will do anything just to get my good results, to be as excellent as my friends. but i failed. my goal wasn't achieved. i was devastated.

i know it sounds pretty silly but i cried almost everyday because of that. friends would ask me why i had swollen eyes, instead of sharing my problems with them i deny that nothing was wrong with me and it was just a lack of sleep. that's all. knowing that i cannot compete with them, well, at least i can be as slim as them. so i went on diet. i started skipping my meals. drink only plain water. eat only fresh fruits and vegetables. day by day i was getting weaker. i knew that i need to have my carbs but i was just too stubborn to listen to my body. 'thin' is the word that i need to achieve.

later, my body couldn't take it anymore and i just collapsed. as soon as i woke up, i was in the hospital, lying helplessly on the bed with my very dear family and friends looking worried at me. i had to show them that there was nothing wrong with me. i don't need the attention. i don't need them to pity me. but i knew that i can't hide my secret anymore ( doctors are smart enough what is wrong with me).

i was right. the doctor knew and he told my family about it that my body don't have enough nutrients and if my body still gets insufficient nutrients or is just too stubborn to eat. i will be aneroxic. to me at that time, aneroxic seemed to be a nice word to hear, because it means that i had reached my goal. hooray!!! as soon as i gathered my strength, i went to the mirror to see how actually an aneroxic look like. i was shocked i don havethe body that i used to have. it's all skin and bones. how am i going to wear the dress that i just bought for prom?. i looked DARN ugly. i just don have the womenly curve that i used to have. i went back to my bed and i was astonished to see few strands of my hair on the pillow.. i never had this much of hair falling off!! the symptoms were really scary. at that time my friends jokingly said where were my ass?... those curve just POOF!!! they told that i scared the hell out of them. they noticed that i was really quiet thsi few months and don't really see me in the canteen whenever we had recess.

'be who you are, don't change what god had created you, be greatful for who you are' those were the words that my friends adviced me. i can't disappoint my friends. i had disappoint them a lot, but not this time. they have done a lot of things for me already. i had already give them enough trouble. and for my own good and health i have to come back to my healthy lifestyle that i used to have.

i start eating healthyly again. going for a swim and jog twice a week. studying with my friends again. and most of all going to church with my friends again. learning that god does things with his own means and reasons. therefore i must learn to adapt and learn to accept the way i am because god create us in his own image. cheers to that one



yours truly'

carmen chan